Why do I fall for the wrong girls?
Every fucking time, I fall for the wrong one. EVERY fucking time.
She's chinese. She's got a boyfriend. She's not good enough for you. She's out of your league.
I could go on. Every one of them, there was a big red flag, right from the start. I've tried trying to not like anyone. Guess what? I still end up falling for someone. Why? Because I am an idiot and I am insane. Certifiable. The higher the climb, the harder the climb, that's what I go for every single time. What I forget? That's a long fucking fall. And I've always fallen.
I'm ranting. I know. Bear with me, I haven't had one of these in a while. This does not come from a recent specific event. Nothing has triggered this. I just thought about it. And it hit me. That I, Justin Felipe Bernales Favis, am a fucking moron.
I don't pull out when I should. I push even harder. That's not going to change. I'll just end up crashing. Once upon a time, a friend of mine (and I think you're reading this my friend), posed the idea that I might like hurting myself. Not physically, but emotionally and psychologically. I've gone back and forth on that topic ever since. You know what? I think he was right.
I do it on purpose. I fall in love because I want to fail at love. Because the hurt, I think I like it.
There was something on Grey's Anatomy once, Meredith was doing her voice over at the end of the episode thing. And she said something like, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Why do we continue to hit ourselves with a hammer? Because it feels so good when we stop."
That's fucking insane! THAT'S INSANE! And I bought into that shit for a while. THAT IS SO STUPID. This is how I know I'm crazy. I bought into a realization that involved finding pleasure in the absence of pain. Like, I needed pain to give me a high. That's just wrong! I should be committed! It's so fucking retarded!
So the point is, and like right now, there is a point...the point is, I'm an idiot. And I needed to admit it.
I don't know what comes next.
Every fucking time, I fall for the wrong one. EVERY fucking time.
She's chinese. She's got a boyfriend. She's not good enough for you. She's out of your league.
I could go on. Every one of them, there was a big red flag, right from the start. I've tried trying to not like anyone. Guess what? I still end up falling for someone. Why? Because I am an idiot and I am insane. Certifiable. The higher the climb, the harder the climb, that's what I go for every single time. What I forget? That's a long fucking fall. And I've always fallen.
I'm ranting. I know. Bear with me, I haven't had one of these in a while. This does not come from a recent specific event. Nothing has triggered this. I just thought about it. And it hit me. That I, Justin Felipe Bernales Favis, am a fucking moron.
I don't pull out when I should. I push even harder. That's not going to change. I'll just end up crashing. Once upon a time, a friend of mine (and I think you're reading this my friend), posed the idea that I might like hurting myself. Not physically, but emotionally and psychologically. I've gone back and forth on that topic ever since. You know what? I think he was right.
I do it on purpose. I fall in love because I want to fail at love. Because the hurt, I think I like it.
There was something on Grey's Anatomy once, Meredith was doing her voice over at the end of the episode thing. And she said something like, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Why do we continue to hit ourselves with a hammer? Because it feels so good when we stop."
That's fucking insane! THAT'S INSANE! And I bought into that shit for a while. THAT IS SO STUPID. This is how I know I'm crazy. I bought into a realization that involved finding pleasure in the absence of pain. Like, I needed pain to give me a high. That's just wrong! I should be committed! It's so fucking retarded!
So the point is, and like right now, there is a point...the point is, I'm an idiot. And I needed to admit it.
I don't know what comes next.
2 comments:
Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.
Hang in there, J :)
That's the quote I was thinking of haha
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