This is just awesome. The Onion. I must search your archives for more of these things!
My fave part:
"Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us."
Hahahahaha!
Great article. Good job.
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