I Hate Desire

Low point. That's where I'm at. At the bottom of a very deep, deep pit. I feel...nothing? No. Tired. I feel drained. Just emotionally spent. You get high, you're happy and ecstatic...then something comes along and makes you want to tear your eyes out for looking at it. It's fucking terrible is what it is. Emotions man, they're so chaotic and fickle and unpredictable and beautiful and terrifying. Sometimes a guy can't take it anymore right?

Am I really at a low point though? Maybe I'm back at my "origin" of sorts. You know, like on a graph or number line. No, that can't be, because I feel like shit. You know how after you do something really strenuous, you just feel wasted and um, tired (duh, dipshit)? Yeah, see that's the thing, that really strenuous activity could've been fun and all, but you'll still feel the after effects of exerting so much effort and energy and emotion. That's how I feel now. Like, I've gone through the whole emotional spectrum and it's left me...like a Black Lantern. (Heh. Couldn't resist.) Seriously, I hate my life, I love my life.

There are a myriad of reasons why anyone would hate their life and I don't want to get into it too much here because it'll be woefully depressing so yeah, shutting up about that.

The good parts? They're a lot of those too. Heading towards my 21st birthday, I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm blessed, I know that...but I still want more. Call it greed, selfishness, whatever. I want more. It's only natural right? It's what makes us human? Human fucking desire?

You know what, that's a lot of cock and bull. Desire negatively affects the highs and makes the lows lower. Desire is this fucked up thing that tells us what we want but ultimately will never get. Desire is fucking evil. Not one good thing comes from desire or drive or whatever it is people tell themselves is just disappoinment in disguise. Nothing good ever comes from desire. It sounds fucking evil anyway! It makes you want more so you aren't content with what you have and it makes you sad when you didn't get what you wanted. What the fuck right?

The solution therefore is to be content with your life yeah? To appreciate everything, to look at all your blessings, yadda yadda yadda? Good luck with that. Oh shit.