The Ten Commandments of Fast Food Customers

Beholdeth, yon temple of the quickened feast, thy palace of immediate sustenance! Glory be to thy refuge, where a man or woman might partake of a meal without having to slaughter the fattened calf nor baketh the bread as others have already done so for thee! It is the miracle of fast food, and I tell you it is good.

Thusly, thine patrons of the golden grill and fountain of soda, I pass on to you a list of rulings you and I must obey. The Fast Food requires are respect and consideration. We mustn't foolishly and irreverently act within its confines, nay, we stand above such shenanigans. Listen now, for I speak truest for you! Follow these commandments that we might forever be blessed. *Blech* Sorry, something got stuck in the wrong pipe for a moment there. What was I saying? Oh yeah, Ten Commandments for eating fast food. Sounds simple enough, yeah? Let's get to it.




1. Thou Shall Choose Without Regret
The worst mistake you can make is to agonize over the choice of fast food. No one wants to hear you keep on second-guessing the decision to go there. If you go to McDonald's today, you can go to Burger King tomorrow. The driver will love you, the friends will find something to order, and peace of mind goes with your satisfied tummy.

2. Thou Shall Not Create Their Own Line
Queuing for anything is pretty simple. Find the person who was last, and fall in behind him/her. Don't be the jerk who stands behind two people unknowingly, hassling everyone behind you, then cutting into a third line because that's where you really wanted to be. Don't be that dude.

3. Thou Shall Not Regret Switching Lines
If your line is taking forever and you decide to change lines, do not complain if you realize it's now going to take longer in this new line. You made your choice, live with it. Don't attempt to try and make your way back either. It's annoying. Unless you think you're charming enough (read: hot enough) to negotiate for your old spot back.

4. Thou Shall Know What To Order
If it is your first time at the restaurant, it's okay to take your time deciding what to order...provided you do not hold the line while doing so. Repeat customers should know better. Actually, they should know even before heading into the store. It's a McDonald's, just take your Quarter Pounder, fries and Coke and be on your way. Hell, you can line up again if you want something else. If you have to give the entire menu the once over while 10 people are waiting for you to finish, those people should be allowed to make passive-aggressive comments behind your back. I mean, hello, it's called "Fast Food." Waiting time is cut in half, and that goes for the people waiting to take your order too. man.

5. Thou Shall Be Courteous
The fast food restaurant is where people go to eat. Men, women, adults, children, adult children, grandparents, grandchildren, straight, gays, lesbians, students, teachers, janitors, movie stars (they do this all the time in commercials), you get the picture. It's where normalcy begins and snobbery ends. The Fast Food restaurant does not need you to dress fancily, nor call ahead nor act all pretentious and condescending. Be a good customer and line up, order and behave like a good human being. Use 'Please' and 'Thank you' a lot. Don't pretend like you're better then everyone else. You are not Ian McKellan, Idris Elba or Robert Downey Jr. Though I think they'd be mucho courteous too.

6. Thou Shall Not Count Calories
"I went to KFC and all I got was...fatter." No, no. That's not how you do it. If you're going to eat at a fast food joint, know what you're getting into. Eat and let it go. All that juicy, greasy, delicious. crispy, mouth-watering goodness is meant to be savored. Regret it later.

7. Thou Shall Not Complain 
Similar to Commandment No. 6, the 5-star fast food restaurant has not been invented yet. I know, I just Googled it. Don't complain about the uncomfortable seats, noisy kids and the roach eggs in your fries (Wait, what?). You get what you pay for.

8. Thou Shall Get The Order Right
This is especially true for instances where you're ordering food for a group. Always get the order straight, back, front and sideways before you approach the cashier. Use the time in line to suss out all the pertinent information. What sandwiches, what kind of chicken, what sides, what drinks, what size, etc. DO NOT take on the responsibility of ordering for everyone if you can't order it correctly. You will be the giant buzzkill. You will ruin it for your friends, for the cashier, for the people in line behind you waiting for you to get your act together, and most importantly, you will ruin your own dining experience. This is doubly important especially in drive-thru and delivery situations. You gotta be right, you gotta be clear. Use a pen and paper. And believe you me, even if you get it 100% right, you will not be thanked for it. So don't be expecting them to be singing your praises when you're done. AND, even if you are 99% on the mark, I guarantee you will feel bad for getting that one thing wrong. Nothing compares to the stress of ordering for a large group of people at the lunch rush with so many other things happening around you. Don't be a hero. Just be right.

9. Thou Shall Sit at the Proper Table
A diner of one should not occupy a table meant for six. Don't draw the ire of the mom or dad who has to figure out where to sit his family of eight.

10. Thou Shall Not Be Messy
The table was clean when you got there (more or less), the least you could do is to leave the table not messy. Don't spill the gravy, get ketchup on the table, leave a fry on the floor, you know, rudimentary stuff. Be neat. Try to fold the used wrappers and napkins. Gather crumbs onto the plate or tray. You don't want to be the customer whom other customers judge, and believe me if you're in a fast food joint being judged by your fellow patrons, that's a food chain (pun intended) you don't want to be at the bottom of.

*For take-out and delivery, apply when appropriate.